Getting divorced isn’t something we set out to do when we first fell in love.
Nobody plans to fall out of love.
The reality of divorce, of letting go of something that was once an important part of your life, can feel overwhelming even if it’s for the better. The process of this, as well as the emotions left over from a painful breaking up between spouses, can lead to anger and resentment for both parties.
In other words, things can get nasty.
If you’re looking for tools to help ignite the passion in your relationship, click here to learn more about that. This article is exploring anger in divorce and coming apart in a relationship.
It’s Okay to get Angry
The anger of divorce is something that you will have to deal with one day at a time.
It’s not always easy for either of you, especially if you are not the person initiating the divorce. You may find yourself holding on to anger for the other person’s misgivings in the relationship, making the divorce much less pleasant.
If you are the other person in that equation and your partner is divorcing you, it may feel as though you’re being wronged or betrayed. These feelings are completely natural, and while uncomfortable, a part of the process.
Even if the divorce is mutual, people can find common anger towards each other, which only turns into further upsets and further destroys not only their relationship, but their own lives in the process.
While it may feel cathartic to be angry, it isn’t productive when you find yourself enraged frequently.
When you are having issues with anger because of a divorce, it’s important to make sure that you’re using your best judgment in the matter. You do not want to do anything too harsh that you may later regret.
Remember that once you do something or say something, it can be difficult for you to take it back, especially if it wounds someone else deeply. Do your best to remain calm in this situation.
During emotionally heavy times, we can give in to more irrational impulses than usual. Now is the time to recognise that within yourself and do what you can to prepare for that.
From there, you’ll find that contact with your spouse will be less heated and spiteful.
Communicating Will Help You Clear Your Head
One of the best wats to deal with anger during or after a divorce is to communicate with the other person.
This doesn’t mean that you’re supposed to scream at each other. Communication comes from listening to the other person and doing your best to understand them, as well explaining your own point as best you can.
Sometimes your partner isn’t going to be someone capable of that, but it doesn’t mean you need to let yourself stop into the realm of anger and pettiness in response. Regardless of what the other person does, or has done to you, it’s in your power to choose how to respond.
But how do you do this?
The best way is to be prepared.
Sit down and calmly think about your situation. One of the most important things is being sure that you have all the facts as to why you are getting divorced, whether you’re initiating, on the receiving end, or whether it’s a mutual decision. Without information, you’re more likely to find yourself overwhelmed.
If you struggle to understand the full situation, it can lead you to jump to conclusions and fill in the blanks. Our mind can be very dramatic sometimes. Make sure you have a full understanding of what is going on.
When you have as much information as possible, try to anticipate how you will feel and react to seeing your partner during or after the proceedings. If you know yourself, you can be prepared for what will trigger you to anger, and therefore will be prepared to catch it.
Mindfulness is key here.
As you prepare, just be aware of what’s real and useful for you, and what’s being dramatized in your head due to anxiety, anger or stress with the situation.
If you can prepare well, you’ll feel comfortable and able to communicate better, which will reduce the anger.
Anger isn’t Always Easy to Figure Out
But what if you don’t want to stop being angry? What if they deserve your anger?
While we do advocate for trying to heal through your anger, there are no solid answers for how you do this or whether you’re ready to. Each person has their own problems and experiences.
You just have to figure out the best way of taking care of yourself. Sometimes it’s better to be angry with a situation than to be sad and feel helpless. Your journey is your own, and will take time to figure out.
With time, you’ll be able to leave the problems of the past behind and embrace this new life you’re heading into.
Look Inwards, not Outwards
Angry is a very passionate emotion. It can come from feeling like you’ve been done an injustice, but it can also come as a reaction to change itself. However it’s manifesting, use this tumultuous period to take a look at yourself.
Take a look at how you’ve been living your own life, rather than at the other person.
It’s easy to blame everyone else, and sometimes it’s justified to assign blame, but the best way to heal and move forward is to forgive not only the other person, but to also forgive yourself for whatever part you might have played in the breaking down of the relationship.
Sometimes seeking treatment may be the answer. Counselling can help you delve deeper into your problems and come to the root of the issue. This isn’t the only way, but it’s a valid approach during a stressful ordeal.
As an alternative, often you can find good resources online for your own self development. There are a wealth of courses and teachers out there to help you learn to manage your emotions and find peace after a difficult change in circumstances.
These resources can help you understand yourself better, and help you find forgiveness easier.
However you go about dealing with your anger, it’s important to be aware of it. If you allow it to fester, it will grow over time and consume your life. Only with awareness, communication and the right tools will you be able to let go of that anger and move towards a brighter future after divorce.